"But that's not fair!"

"Fair? Please don’t even talk to me about fair! Fair would’ve been you wanting to marry me back then! Or fair would’ve been Chandler wanting to marry me now! Believe me, nothing about this is fair! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!" -Monica from Friends

I do believe I uttered very similar words in a meltdown in the park.

LUKE: No, I mean you doing okay with everything?
LORELAI: You're referring to my meltdown in the park.
LUKE: It wasn't a meltdown.
LORELAI: Oh, it was a meltdown. They're making it into a movie -- "Meltdown in the Park." Don't worry, it's just a working title. Baz Luhrmann's directing. And the movie Luke wears tights and sings.
LUKE: But you're okay?
LORELAI: Thanks to my knight in shining armor.
LUKE: Ah, well…

It takes a special patience for someone to let another person have a meltdown of some sort. It reveals the selfish, childish, spoiled sin that we protect so hard most of the time.

I'm thankful for a friend who will sit and listen to my petty concerns that feel earth shaking. Then I'm quickly filled with embarrassment because the person I was speaking to has probably felt this exact emotion but more intensely. So sometimes I have to force myself to let my feelings happen. Instead of apologizing for feeling them - as if that makes it any different.

I've been so confused about dating lately. I feel like I just have bad timing. Though I know that's an immature to view God's control of my life.

Well I could do this all day.
That's the gist of it,
Angela Grace

P.S. I stop blogging when I get busy. Which is silly because blogging really helps me relax when I feel busy.

1960 vs. 2012

Dating advice from a 70 year old is always interesting. She doesn't understand my apprehension to having a date with boy A on Tuesday and another with boy B on Friday. Cause my world told me that ain't okay! You're supposed to go in a certain order and no matter how casual y'all are it's not right to do that. Well she didn't grow up when I did and she still loves the Lord so is it possible to date like she did 50 years ago but in 2012 and still honor God and the men pursuing me? Apparently so.

Most of my dating was done in high school. The only reason I had a boyfriend in college was because we were still in a relationship that started in our senior year. I was used to being friends with a guy for a while and knowing him really well. Our friendship slowly led into dates which evolved into a relationship.

That high school relationship ended, obviously. Since then I have been interested in almost 4 guys that I've talked to for a bit, possibly gone on a first date with, and then it ended because of various reasons. No blood, no foul. Just keep goin don't get too serious. This is new to me. The entire time I'm very prayerful about it and mindful of guarding my heart so it's been relatively painless. But still it hasn't been easy.

I meet with a 70 year old woman once week who disciples me. Today I kind of poured out my heart in this area to her. I'm not used to the kind of dating I have been doing lately and it is really throwing me off. As I talk and she politely listens I realize (Well, first, WHY she's listening. Cause she was letting me spell it out for myself.) it's a pride and fear issue. Like always. (I'm almost certain most struggles people have is rooted from pride.) I'm scared to date again, period. I'm scared to date someone casually. To slowly get to know someone, while acknowledging I like them, hoping we eventually date, but reserving the rights to its end to the Lord. It is far less painful than the long term serious relationships I was in throughout HS and college so far. It is definitely more open to God's will. It makes much more sense all around. It just causes me to be uncomfortable and patient. And then - bam - I said it. I identified the sin that was the root of the anxiety and the emotion that it makes me feel. [[Satan, you just lost one.]]

"Uncomfortable."

I learned a long time ago how very well discomfort can bring you closer to God. Admitting helplessness and putting your concerns in His hands takes a lot of Christ like qualities... I just ain't sure I got that quite yet to be honest! But God doesn't care. I'm abiding in him and in the mean time he's pruning me.

"When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety." - AW Tozer

"Waiting itself, if practiced according to Biblical patterns, seems to be a strange but dynamic kind of communication between man and God." - Catherine Marshall

"It is God's oft-repeated way of teaching us that His power is real and that He can answer our prayers without interference and manipulation from us." - Catherine Marshall.

In Your faith I thank You right now for a more glorious answer to my prayer than I can imagine, Angela

Mr. Feeny Is So Wise

There are few times I enjoy watching television. With my new job I get the pleasure of working overnights in a home that has cable. I wasn't allowed to watch Boy Meets World when it was new but I'm very thankful for re-runs. I really like Mr. Feeny. Just saw this episode this morning and it made me smile.



(You can start at 4:45 min) "How blissful it must be for you to have lived so little and yet already reached your conclusions about the greatest wonder of the universe. Shakespeare wrote plays and sonnets, the Greeks wrote tragedies and comedies; Robert Burns, Emily Dickinson, the Brownings – examined the depths of human emotions and do you know what each one of these poets, playwrights, and philosophers had in common Mr. Matthews? Every one of them was older than 11. Come into my classroom at the beginning of the year and at the end you go and I really don’t know if, in the time we’ve spent together, I have taught you anything! Well this afternoon, Mr. Matthews, you are going to learn something from me. Do I have your attention? I live on the other side of the fence from you Cory and it is impossible not to face in your direction every once in a while and notice the people in the next yard. And through the years I’ve got to know them – it is apparent that they are fine individuals but their real strength comes from being a family. And do you know why they’re a family? Because at one time a man and a woman realized that they loved each other and pursued the unlimited potential of what may come from that love… and here you are. There is no greater aspiration than to have love in our lives, Mr. Matthews. Romeo knew it and died for it. Others know it and prepare salads. And those who don’t know it will sit in detention for the rest of their lives."

Do you have a boyfriend?

-No.
-Can we set you up on a date?
What's your type?
Are you interested in anyone?

A. I'm sick of this question.
B. Sometimes growing up in the church has drawbacks.

Or is this supposed to be a good thing?

I've spent so much time being "taken" I completely forgot what this part is like. Down for an arranged marriage right about now.

I'm probably gonna take that back real soon.

Immature rant over now,
Angela

Fasting without prayer is starvation.

"If a king wishes to subdue a city belonging to enemies, he first of all keepeth them without bread and water, and the enemy being in this wise harassed by hunger becometh subject unto him; and this it is in respect of the hostile passions, for is a man endureth fasting and hunger regularly, his enemies become stricken with weakness in the soul." - Abba John

Matthew 15:18-19 "But the words you speak come from [YOUR] heart - that's what defiles you. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander."

Psalm 51:7-11
"Purify me from my sins and I will be clean;
wash me and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh give me back my joy again;
you have broken me
now let me rejoice.
Don't keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
Do not banish me from your presence,
and don't take your Holy Spirit from me."

"God will not let me get the blessing without asking. Today I am setting my face to fast and pray for enlightenment and refreshing. Until I can get up to the measure of at least two hours in pure prayer every day, I shall not be contented. Meditation and reading besides." - Andrew Bonar




Sometimes what I want to say has already been said,
Angela

GPOY

Why do I love Chandler so much? He has these gems. Cute girl talks to him? This is what he says.


I believe my exact words were flkajsrlkstn.

I feel ya Chandler.

Stuff Christian Girls Say

I've been going to the same church for 21 years. I am one of many of "those" church girls sometimes. I'd say about 1/3 of these things are spot on. The rest is embellished, but then again I'm biased.

:35 Guilty. Haha yikes. I've read Ruth one too many times apparently.

Truth

Hahaha sadly true.

Confession

I love Miley Cyrus. I'm glad this is coming out online so I can avoid the glare I'd have gotten just now. I don't love all her work. Especially in the last year. However, I think she rocked this one. I love this song already and her cover is great. Plus I can sing at her key and I just looked up the chords to it. No stoppin me now.

"Been shooting in the dark too long
When something's not right it's wrong"



"I think the worst feeling in the world is feeling alone and when you hear an artist and you know that they feel the same way that you do it's really inspiring." - Miley

Edit// 2.20.12


And she finally did well live! Jimmy Kimmel too! I love when she sounds a lil country.

Reconciliation

I just discovered Redeemed. A resale Christian bookstore. I could easily blow a paycheck on books.

I refrained, and just got 2 though. One of them is this:

Letters Across the Divide
By: David Anderson & Brent Zuercher.

David got his degree from Moody and is a pastor of a multicultural church in Maryland. Brent went to Southwest Baptist University and is a CPA. They met in Chicago and became good friends. Good enough friends to publish a book of their letters to each other discussing racism, racial reconciliation, injustice, and a lot more. It's mostly opinion and only 2 men representing 2 entire races, but it's incredible. A lot of it is very true! The privacy of the fact these were letters between Christian friends allowed for a vulnerability other discussions of similar topics lack.

The fact I even bought this book proves how powerful God is. There is no way I'd have considered reading this a year ago. Now, I love it. Just a few tidbits from it worth sharing.

(White man asked why aren't black people over it by now.) "My question to the battering husband is this: 'What are you willing to do to build bridges of trust with that abused wife?' If he answers, 'Well that was a long time ago. She should just get over it so we can live in peace today,' I would respond by saying, 'You don't really want reconciliation. You want accommodation. You want someone to accommodate your sinful behavior so you don't have to feel the repercussions of wrong choices.' If the husband truly wanted to reconcile with his wife, he would want to know what he could do to build bridges of trust again."
//
The white man asked: "Cannot blacks see all the tremendous advances toward eliminating racial discrimination that have been made in the last thirty years? Why the hatred of whites? Slavery was a long time ago and as best as I can tell, life for blacks as a whole today is better in America than in any of the African countries their ancestors were kidnapped from." (What a white thing to say. I'm pretty sure I've said this in more or less words at some point in my life.)

The response: "Blacks have had to fight for every inch of freedom, respect, and privilege that has been gained. The feeling and mentality are that no one has given us anything. So when you say we're moving forward and advancing, it's not as if blacks are somehow feeling thankful to whites for it."
//
"We both know that racism is not a skin problem, but a sin problem."
//
"Once the definition [of racism] becomes subjective, it becomes a moving target. Anyone, white or black, then becomes able to defend his actions or choices as being only tainted in favoritism, partiality, or insensitivity - lesser evils in the sight of man. As long as we can justify away our racism as being favoritism, then we don't need to seek reconciliation, and racial unity will continue to elude the church."

One time during a mission trip I did last year, that was very culturally diverse, we did this exercise as a group. We split up into different rooms: Asian Americans, blacks, whites, Hispanic, biracial, and international. I had been in California for 5 months at this point and had gotten used to such multicultural venues. I go to the white room and the director, Scott Hall, started speaking. He asked, "How many of you feel uncomfortable right now?" Every hand went up but mine. Californians are very used to being the minority or at least not the majority and never the only ones.

He said, "How do you think the other rooms would feel if I shouted 'I LOVE WHITE PEOPLE' loud enough for them to hear? What if Krystina yelled from her room 'I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE' and we heard?"

Scott asked us how we felt about being there and the exercise we were doing. One guy said, "I just can't help but think all the other rooms are having more fun than we are." Has white become neutral? Culture-less? The standard against which to measure? Mexican food is spicy and white American food is bland. Black people are loud and white people are lifeless. (Not if a white person from Missouri moves to LA, lemme tell ya, I've never been more aware and proud to say I DO have a distinct culture even on the white American spectrum.)

I'm not really making a point. Then again, I am definitely trying to. Partly because I'm still processing a lot of this and partly because I could, but it would be a very long post.

Angela

Friend with Benefits: Part 1

That title sounds inappropriate, doesn't it? What if that was how we described marriage?

Mark Driscoll did a series on relationships. The first message is about friendship in marriage.
//Edit: I was going to post about it. But before I could I had to post this. And this has been in my drafts for a while. Together it would make a very long post.

Now I ain't close to being married. Not even close to close. One gift of singleness is doing my research though. (Sound romantic? Haha.) That consists a lot of asking outside sources about singleness, dating, and marriage. Mostly, though, it means I'm learning more about myself and my dating pattern, attitude about singleness, etc.

Beware of vulnerability coming. This is who I used to date:



I dated the non-"nice guy" then question why that's all I could find. As if it was happening TO me and I wasn't an active force in it. Common Christian fix? Make a list of qualities you want in a spouse and don't stray from it. Well I think before that list is made I should make a list of qualities I want to BE in a spouse! (If that's even God's will for my life.) Commence my resolution of 2011.

"#24: Pray that my heart will be changing to be more like Christ. Act on it in these specific areas: ... And pray, when the time is right, I will be attracted to someone who is SO FAR from what I HAVE dated that I am able to recognize the change that has happened in my heart. Thank God for it endlessly." (I like to pray very specifically sometimes because then when God answers that prayer it's just that much more miraculous.)

The point of this is I have spent a lot of time trying to learn what a Biblical relationship looks like. A good thing, right? But it wasn't until a while back I noticed how the men I was attracted to were a DIRECT reflection of the condition of my heart. Scary huh? (Well it's pretty elementary stuff in any Psych class, it's just not something we want to admit is true or something that can be fixed through prayer, discipline, and God's Word. It can.) The only thing that makes this blog worthy and not just for my journal is I wish more girls would understand this. I wish it were public and talked about.

“This starts when you’re single. Only dating someone who’s friends with Jesus and then becoming friends with them and building that relationship on those two friendships." - Mark Driscoll


Angela

Disappointment

I'm applying for my school's Bachelor of Social Work program this week. I have to write an essay on why I want to be a social worker, which terrifies me. Every semester the first day of class professors take time to get to know everyone. We say what population we want to work with and why we chose Social Work as our major. I'm afraid I'm almost always a disappointment to the class.

The most common answer is "I just want to help people." Followed closely by "I had an abusive past and/or childhood." I say, "Well...I don't want to be a social worker." Then hurry to explain to a room full of secular social workers what I do see myself doing. And people get very confused. It's always a challenge to explain that for me secular social work doesn't make sense.

My plan, God willing, would include being a missionary internationally or in the urban poor of the United States. It would include intentionally seeing motherhood and marriage as joyful "full time position" (put as professional as possible haha). I would live incarnationally among the poor. Not drive in from my white middle-class neighborhood to the Missouri DFS and work in a cubicle with other privileged women with their MSW who complain about the work piling on their desk.

Through prayer and community in the social work department, though, I have been able to meet people who understand and receive some affirmation. In fact most recently I met a professor who took some kind of interest in me. We met in her office and talked about my bad grades. (I'm just really bad at school in general.) I told her my mind is often elsewhere and I'm not excited about social work like other people are. She asked what I saw myself doing in ten years and I told her that previous described picture. Her response? "Well good thing you're majoring in social work." Good thing? Yeah right.

Needless to say it took a lot of confused looks and patience on my part to finally understand what she meant. She's a Christian with the NASW in mind, not necessarily missions. However, she knew before I did that if I want to serve people and work for the marginalized and overlooked what better place for me to be in than this one? Touche.

This week has had a lot of answer to prayer in some of the most unexpected places. I'm just fine with that.

"I just want to help people"...know Christ's love,
Angela

Hairbrushes and Brooms

If you've ever put on a concert of your own in your kitchen or bathroom you know what those two items have in common. They're both excellent pretend microphones!

I work overnight at an independent living home for 3 ladies. I deep clean their house while they're sleeping. The first few times I worked I just did my job, possibly with the TV or a movie on. That didn't last once I realized how much hardwood I was cleaning.

Sweeping and mopping? Not for long. It's a concert for the neighbors. And my cleaning is much more fun this way.

Last night's performance?


Thank you Springfield, goodnight!
Angela

Fathers

This post is quite overdue.
It's a couple weeks overdue because of when I thought of it.
Also, years overdue because it's a lot of things my Dad should have known by now. Then again, I didn't realize much of it myself then.

I have a hard time asking for money. I hate borrowing unless I have a strict plan to pay it back. My parents never handed out money "for the mall" or "to go eat with my friends". I earned it and I like it that way. But even when things get tight I cannot bring myself to ask them for money. In any case, that's what my Grampa has told me he's for. ;)

A couple weekends ago I came home to St. Charles solely because I was going to Wisconsin with my church's Junior High to lead 8th grade girls. I had work until 9am that morning, drove home, did laundry, packed and got on the bus for camp. We got back 2 days later and I got in the car and drove back because I worked the next morning. To me, it wasn't a big deal. Maybe it's the college spirit - being able to function well on little sleep or rest. Not sure.

Anyway, I had to fill up my car before I drove back to Springfield. It was 10pm and I would be driving until 1:30am. My Dad followed me to QT and paid to fill up my gas tank, and offered to buy me coffee and a donut! Gifts isn't even my love language but this spoke LOUD. And ya know? He just has that attitude. I just don't think he knew I'd care much for it until recently.

To him $30 for a tank of gas and $2.56 for gas station food isn't gonna stress him out about how he'll make it to the next paycheck, like it would for me. It might seem small to one person, but it meant so much to me that day. Honestly, it made my week and I was smiling about it for a while.


[Laura, me, Dad, Anna, and Heidi]

Can I just say I love my Dad? Well yeah cause it's my blog. ;)
The more I learn about God being Jehovah Jireh the more I realize my Dad has worked hard to be that image of Christ in our family.

There are not enough words or blog posts to thank him. And I owe him 20 years of "Thank you's".

Angela

P.S. "If I had all the Daddies [daughters] in the world lined up I'd still pick you."
(I wonder if he remembers we said that ALL the time)

Mothers

"Courage sometimes skips a generation. Thank you for bringing it back to our family."
- The Help

I watched the movie The Help the other day and this quote made me think of my Mom. And then to find a picture that represents my Mom, I chose that one :)

There 2 main reasons why I look up to my Mom so much:

1. She came from a lot of family struggles and generations of dysfunction. She worked since she was in high school to be sure she didn't fall into the same pattern everyone else in her family did. She continued that through the entire time I was growing up and I was very aware of it. I can see how different she is from the rest of her family and I am in awe.
2. She worked hard at being a stay home Mom and wife. (Emphasize "work" because most people don't call that work). I look back at my childhood and see a lot of home cooked meals and time spent with her. She was focused on us and our home. I brag about her a lot the more I hear about other families because I'm realizing how rare it is that she did this for our family.

Just sayin, God blessed our family a lot through her! I got to grow up in a God-centered personality cultivating environment, and I have a lot of "Thank yous" to make up for. ;)

Angela

Need a Little Twang

I drive my client to work everyday and I'm gettin her hooked on country music! It's amazing she isn't already because she's from Springfield. 5 out of my 6 radio presets are country stations. Old country station, new country, gospel country, hick rock, and favorite country. For real, I never get tired of it. I think 4 months away from it in LA made me miss it a lot and I'm still recovering.

One of my all time favorites came on today. This one I remember singing to with Anna in her car when I was younger. :)



"If you're callin bout my heart it's still yours
I should've listened to it a little more
Then it wouldn't have taken me so long to know where I belong
And by the way, boy, this is no machine you're talkin to
Can't you tell, this is Austin, and I still love you."



We all got a hillbilly bone,
Angela

Matthew 18:22

Matthew 18:15-22

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you lose on earth shall be lost in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven."

This verse is a part of me forever now!

Forgiving an unimaginable number. Only because of and through God's power. :)Very thankful that I have a Father who wants to invest time in me molding me to be like Him. Thankful He's teaching me how to forgive someone repeatedly, and loving it. I just wish people knew how much they're forgiven. How do I tell someone that without sounding like a goody two-shoes?

Inked,
Angela