Kind

I love old people. I could speculate about the "why" of this a whole lot. Today one of the reasons I'm thinking, though, is the wisdom and kindness so many of them carry with them. Who doesn't want to be in the company of kind slow-spoken words full of wisdom? Nobody.

The epitome of this was caught in one very quick moment I will never forget.

It's December of 2009 and I'm at my ex-boyfriend's Baptist church visiting for this one Sunday morning. He was newly graduated from Marine Corps bootcamp. Bootcamp took 3 months and I wrote every day. I even gave up my $400 high school graduation present to buy a plane ticket to see him graduate in San Diego, CA. It was just the start of a lot of sacrifice that I made for one man. Honestly, I wouldn't take back one day of it. I was in love and didn't mind.

But even if I was okay with it the majority of the time, every so often it would get to me. That selfish part of me that wanted credit. That I don't dare ask for.

This Sunday morning he stood in the hall as church let out and a number of people walked by and shook his hand and thanked him for his service. I stood near, somewhat behind, him smiling and watching. (Little did I know this was just the beginning of that pattern.) Then I feel a hand on my shoulder and look over at an older man I had never seen before. He asked if I was Ben's girlfriend and I confirmed (still smiling like an idiot it seems like now). He says quietly, "You know, you're important too." Shook MY hand. Hugged me. And walked away.

That plastered smile of mine lasted another .3 seconds til it was replaced with tears. Happy tears. Tears of the best affirmation I'd ever felt. That was the one and only vocal human affirmation and encouragement I got from anyone during 2 years of being a military girlfriend. It was enough. I was reminded of how much wisdom and kindness can come out of someone's words. I'm convinced young people don't possess this gift.

For so many reasons I've thought about this moment a lot lately. Reasons that will remain a mystery for now. Which I'm guessing is fine because I have 0 readers on the edge of their seat.

Maybe this is why I like Yoda so much too,
Angela

Boys

"I don’t understand. One minute he’s happy then he’s not. And he doesn’t tell me anything ever. I mean, you’re supposed to tell your girlfriend things. That’s the whole point of having a girlfriend isn’t it? And I’m so tired of fighting, or not even fighting, because he won’t fight. He just gets mad and disappears then comes back. And I don’t like how I feel; I don’t like what I do. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to sit around wondering when we’re going to talk, if he’s mad, why he’s mad. I hate this.
I don’t know anything because he won’t talk. He just sulks and disappears and just when you’re through with him he shows up at hockey games with Distiller tickets. Oh that’s right you don’t know about that because I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed because I didn’t want to be that girl. The girl who lets her boyfriend treat her like dirt and then lies to her Mom about it."

-Rory about Jess GG Season 3

Obviously right now I don't have any boy problems, but this quote just describes past troubles very well.


Gilmore Girl,
Angela

Restless Heart Syndrome

Eureka!

It's true. This is a cry of joy from me because I have discovered something wonderful.

After being in California for 6 months I was convinced I hated Los Angeles and loved St. Charles. I came home, rejoiced for a quick minute then went back to school in Springfield. I was too happy to miss California for a while. Then one day.. I wanted Boba. I realized I can't find it here. And I started thinking of all the things LA had that SGF doesn't. And I was caught in a very sad mix of emotions.

2 Sundays ago I was back in church in St. Charles listening to my pastor. He told a story of how he came here from Canada and when he passed over the Mississippi and Missouri river he was ecstatic! He was so happy to see such majestic and historic rivers! And now, when he thinks of the river it means he's making a long drive. "Familiarity breeds discontentment," he said. And he was saddened to realize how true that is with our faith.

"Familiarity breeds discontentment" - Terry Sanderson

I got back to Missouri and when I would miss California I would be so confused because I remember how much I hated it. But then I'd think of how close I came to God and I love it and I'd wonder what ever happened to me there that actually HELPED my relationship with God.

Immediately a lightbulb went on and I was almost in tears.
When I understood how scared, homesick, and lost I was in LA, I had NO choice but to rely on God for comfort. I had no person near me who "knew what I meant" ever. I had nobody to relate to when I felt excluded. I had God, though. And I was constantly meditating on how He is my Comforter. He is my ultimate Home and the Holy Spirit calls me home.

What I love more than the good things about Los Angeles and even more than St. Charles (which is pretty hard to beat) is being that intimate with Christ. I don't know how to keep that going every day of my life, but I want to. Being unfamiliar and feeling like you have nothing makes you depend on God so much more.

Now I'm learning to be grateful I'm somewhere comfortable with people I identify with. But I won't let myself forget how much I need to identify with Christ more.

Somedays I'm restless because I crave a California things and my friends there.
Most days I'm so happy to be here that I don't ever want to leave. It's really causing me to be anxious about my future and my plans. It's led me to be praying for peace that passes understanding, though. And that's what I'm focusing on. :)

Jehovah Shalom,
Angela

"Feelings"

One time as I talked about something I felt I used air quotes. I said ".. I feel like.." And as I uttered the word "feel" used my fingers to air quote the word.

I'm not sure why this happened. I still have no good answers. All I know is I am really bad at feelings. Or talking about them. And recognizing my own.

My cousin Joe is an amazing writer. He has a blog that I love following. Recently he posted about moving on. He said something that really struck me.

"This may sound like the ramblings of an idiot but many of you have felt the same way I am sure. It is a feeling almost like survivors remorse. Thank goodness I made it through that terrible situation, but why me? Why am I ok with being like this? I shouldn't be this happy this soon."

I was broken up with a while ago. Growing up in Christian community the first action I'm "supposed" to take is a dating fast, obviously! I'm supposed to contemplate that God might have me be single for life. Then I'm supposed to declare I'm no longer dating but courting. All the while I'm supposed to seclude myself and take time to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses in dating life. Well.. ya know what? If ya knew the whole story of that relationship it would make more sense. But I'm not here to tell it. I just think.. I feel fine. Knowing that I'm bad at "feelings" I question that every day.

I've prayed, and sought counsel. Sought counsel then prayed some more. Studied God's word and asked anyone for any advice. All I can come up with is I'm fine. I expected to be distraught and depressed. I expected to hate men for a while and have to "learn to be happy single." Quite honestly, I am happy. Not that I'm any Yoda, but I have enough years to know myself in this area. And I can't bring myself to do any of the typical church kid response to this break up. I am fine. I'm not putting off dating for a year. I'm not scared to be in another relationship. But still all I can think of often is "I shouldn't be this happy this soon." - Joe.

Single and ready to...somethin,
Angela

His post:
http://followaregularjoe.blogspot.com/2011/11/moving-on.html?spref=bl

Follow A Regular Joe: Moving On

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Misfit

I'll start this off a bit educational, and it's gonna end... a bit educational. This post brought to you by: My Social Work: Human Behavior in the Social Environment class's assignment. So I have some vocab for y'all, and then a paper to read. Please write your name at the top right hand corner of your-- just kidding. ;)

misfit: A person whose behavior or attitude sets them apart from others

cohort: A group of persons who were born during the same time period and who experience particular social changes within a given culture in the same sequence and at the same age

transition: change in roles and statuses that represents a distinct departure from prior roles and statuses

trajectory: long-term pattern of stability and change, which usually involves multiple transitions

social age: age-graded roles and behaviors expected by society - in other words the socially constructed meaning or various ages.

Alright, those definitions are important.
I am a misfit. I always, jokingly, say I should have been 20 years old in 1950. Maybe that way I'd be married by this age. Maybe then I'd be wearing a dress every day. Maybe then people would respect the role of a man and a woman and their DIFFERENCE. Obviously, this isn't entirely a joke to me.
Now I didn't think I'd think of this while doing my homework. But my homework is all about the rest of those definitions and well, I had to write a (1 page) reaction paper to it. Well, I sure did.

The readings at the beginning of Chapter 1 that depict real life stories all tell how one person’s way of life and culture is not just made overnight. It is a result of generations’ efforts, tragedies, life choices, etc. After understanding this and proceeding to read the first few paragraphs of the text I started to realize just how this has played out in my own life and generation.
The section about cohorts uses the baby boomer population to illustrate. “They suggest that ‘boomers’ responded to the economic challenges of their demographic bubble by delaying or avoiding marriage, postponing childbearing, having fewer children, and increasing the presence of mothers in the labor force.” (Hutchison 12). This cohort had unique circumstances after World War II which to cope and manage they had to alter the way of life they had before.
Though the link between baby boomers and modern day feminists has been a long time coming and would require extensive explanation, I firmly believe there is one. I live during the third wave of feminists and among this group I have felt forced into a common trajectory. The understanding being anyone my age will graduate high school single, attend and graduate higher education, pursue a career, and, finally, marry and have children. I do not fit into this particular social age. I would prefer marriage before or during college that I may or may not attend, working as supplement, having children and then work in the home as a stay-at-home-mom. A title which I hate to utter due to such a negative connotation it has been given these days.
After years of coping and learning to be okay with this I have also started to learn how our culture got to be this way. Out of necessity people made distinct and drastic transitions. Time flies and not even a century later it’s a completely different environment. The cohort I was born into is not accepting of the trajectory I would design for myself. After reading this chapter I have realized how common, stressful and real this experience is.

Basically, thanks to the dang baby boomer era everything changed. Not one person's fault. But I am hanging on to the hope that one day people will remember how we were functioning back then and realize it's okay to do things old-fashioned every once in a while. Maybe when my daughter grows up history will have repeated itself and she won't be expected to know where she's attending college by time she is in 8th grade.
Yeah, I saw middle schoolers on a campus tour at CSUN. Ridiculous.


AKA Donna Reed,
Angela

Heartland

I love the midwest. I really, really do. The more time I spend away the more I realize I love it. The more I'm here, the happier I am. Just in my first few weeks back I've been thinking about/experiencing things that I realized are pretty common or a big deal here. Whereas, it may happen in other places but not commonly and not in the same way. And these things are great reasons to visit and/or live here.

1. People hold doors: the young hold the door for those older than them and men hold doors for women. e.g. I went to Cracker Barrel to apply for a job. On my way out (double doors with a little wait room in between 2 sets of doors) I held the door for 2 women who were at least 65 years of age, or older. Smiles all around "thank you" and "you're welcome" exchanged. After they walk out a family walks in and the Dad holds the door for his family as they come in and he waits for me to walk out. Smiles all around "thanks you" and "you're welcome" exchanged. Why is this so common? People are polite. Why is it so well-received? There ain't no people insulted by a door held. Apparently people on the coasts think I view them as incapable of opening a door? Uh.. no. 3 year old children can do that. I have full confidence you can do it. I just WANTED (chose, desired, and volunteered) to do it for you. And if a man does it for a woman, same thing. Even if a man were holding it for me because he viewed me incapable, I'll just take that as a compliment that I look worthy of his effort to serve. ;)

2. It's a small, small world: Just because Walt Disney World/Land are located on the coasts and Disney is the inventor of that song/ride doesn't mean it reflects that area. He was born in Illinois and raised in Missouri where he probably felt that it was a small world. Then he put that amusement park in California to try and get that message across because it was such a foreign concept over there, or he knew eventually it would be lost on them completely.
My Mom babysat the cashier at the gas station down the street from my house when they were younger.
My Dad's cousin's son is the mechanic I went to in Springfield.
Ya see? It's not like this doesn't happen other places. And it's not like everyone is my immediate relative. But this happens a lot more than in California and I just like it.

3. Small talk and getting to know strangers is perfectly acceptable: My landlord and I ended up have a 30 minute talk when I went to his office to ask a question. I found out he's a Christian author, he and his wife both. He is an elder at a church nearby. He used to write comics for some paper in New York from home here in Missouri. How did I know this? We talked. Talked. I don't know why this concept is, as well, foreign to "coasters" (I don't wanna pin this all on LA or California) but it is. I would frequently get asked from people at Target, the gas station, professors, or classmates, "Where are you from?!". Well.. I didn't know I looked so foreign, white girl that I am, so I'd ask back "Why do you think I'm not from here...?" And they'd answer with a relieved/amused/wonderment look and say "You are just so nice!"
I'm really not trying to brag. I also wasn't trying to be nice to these people. But I guess that's the point. I wasn't trying, I was just being me. Friendly, inquisitive, polite. But that's not unique of me in Missouri. It's unique in LA though. All I could figure out that I do differently is use common courtesy, manners, smile, and actually converse with people about their days. It's as if other people forget cashiers or strangers are actually PEOPLE with lives and they might have more to say than "Sign here" and "Here's your change".

4. Matchmakers: Eh sometimes it's cute. Sometimes it's annoying. Either way, it's daring and thoughtful and I applaud them. That landlord I mentioned? He also found it necessary to tell me ALL about his son. His son graduated high school with a 4.11 GPA, got a full-ride to college then graduated Evangel in 4 years with 2 Majors, 3 Minors, spoke a baccalaureate to his class and finished with a song on his guitar. He also was captain of Cross Country. He immediately got a job post-college with Wal-mart corporate and makes more than his Dad makes. Somewhere in there, though, his Dad dropped "He's a real good lookin kid too!" I'm not sure if he is just half in love with the way his son looks or what, and he may just be praising every aspect of this kid he can. But this happens every so often with older people and myself or my friends and it's endearing. Thanks for lookin out for me and your kin.

5. Cracker Barrel: Not even available on any west coast states - so sad.

Callus & Ink: 'Love': Part Two

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Angela on Paper

Why do people choose their favorite quotes? Why do we insist on summing our feelings up or writing them down on paper? I, for one, think sometimes it's nice to know someone has felt the EXACT same way as you. Sometimes when you can't figure out what you want to say and someone just combines the perfect words as eloquently as can be. Whatever the reason, it's nice to see something complicated simplified or sounding beautifully.

A few things have been on my mind regarding this:
Personality tests: I'm an ISTJ on the "Myers-Briggs" personality test. What this means is (on a scale of 1-100) I'm an 80 Introvert (I); 12 Sensing (S); 40 Thinking (T); and 40 Judging (J). The opposites are Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving (respectively). You can look up ISTJs and find out what I'm all about because it really does describe me pretty accurately.
The point is, people find such comfort in that. As if we need something to blame for why we are the way we are. I think this can be a good thing when you just really have no idea why you do some things you do. It can help explain why some people don't get along. But it can kind of be a bad thing when we use it to escape responsibility. As long as you understand the use of those tests, it can be helpful.
Helpful to see yourself on paper, indeed.

Other things is just the extreme use of quotes and lyrics to explain how you're feeling. I don't really think this can be unhealthy at all. I just find it fascinating we all use them so much. Speaking of which, I've got a few I just wanted to share.

"What you think is love is you simply choosing, and what you are willing to do…which is simply the choice. Love is an emotion you feel…an indescribable feeling of so said compassion and desire and joy and confusement and happiness and duty and openness and giving. The more you fall into this love and opening of yourself the more you become that person and the more you can be hurt because of that person. The whole idea of love is a strange one. Why would you open yourself completely up, just so that you can become weak and fragile to be hurt. Wouldn't it be easier to live a life of contentment and self discovery, or is that just another aspect of the tragedy of life?" - Matthew Lengyel

"It is strange… being more content with one self. A little to much of it isn't so good. You become isolated. Oh, of course you still talk, you still relate to the world, you have an amazing outlook on life, you become more social than you had been in a long time, but yet, you cut yourself off from the world. You seem to just be standing there, watching, and whenever one of those people come along just wanting to experience something new with you and make, even if it is small, a chapter in your life…you just push it away, because you say you're content, and don't need others to make you feel better about yourself. But that isn't the true reason. It's because you are scared to change. You're scared that you might feel something. You're scared that you might care till your heart hurts…You're scared to Feel.
Wouldn't it be so much easier to just be content; of course. But when you become dependent on your own contentness, then where is your life? Where is the pain, the joy, the happiness, the anger, the frustration, the patience, the love, the caring, the character, the meaning, and life…" - Matthew Lengyel

""I'm a 'T' on the Myers-Briggs. And all other personality quizzes. Which means I'm a "thinking type". For those of you who are thinking types, you might remember this - We don't like to cry. We don't cry that much actually and we really don't like to. But if we're gonna have to cry, we really wanna intellectually understand why." - Mary Poplin

I'm a T on the Myers-Briggs. So that means doing something "because I felt like it" doesn't appeal to me. I truly enjoy thinking things out. Because I'm an "I" that means I process things internally. Introvertly.

There are some tid bits of Angela on paper. And some quotes saying things I can't. :)

Thinking,
Angela

Guess who's back?

And here to stay!
I have been in California for 201 days of my year. That's about 200 days too many. Ha.. Just jokes. I didn't hate it. But at times it felt like more than I could handle.
In the past 2 weeks I've been asked daily "What do you miss most about home?" "What are you excited for most?" "What are you going to miss about California?" Trying not to be sarcastic and understanding almost none of these people have been away from their home for a straight 6 months with no feasible way to visit home, I respond with the most polite surface level answer I can muster.
When really... I miss EVERYTHING about home. I'm excited to be there partly because it's my HOME and partly because it's NOT here. And I'm not going to MISS California whatsoever. (Part of this being my blog means I get to say true things like that..) However, that is surface level angst, if there is such a thing. I didn't hate California entirely and not the entire time. I realized Angela + Los Angeles/Northridge do not get along very well. Angela + SD + NorCal = Just fine, though. And no matter how well I enjoy certain parts of Cali, Angela + Missourah will always win.
NorCal > SoCal
MO > NorCal
MO > CA
On paper, it's simple. But to do proofs for those equations would require some serious thought. Even so, I know it would boil down to the fact I am overjoyed to be home right now and part of that is because home is nowhere near California. Flying into STL I was on a flight of about 10 people. I had a seat to myself and no need to hide the awkward giddy excitement coupled with balling my eyes out.

I just recently read a new friend's FB page and he put it well, "Two of my favorite things to do are traveling and returning home from traveling." I am home now. As much as I loved, experienced, and enjoyed California, I am beyond ready to be here. Being in Cali was impossible to explain so if it seems like I'm over analyzing this, just know a lot went down that I wasn't expecting. Regardless, I'm back and thanking God that I have this place to call home.

I have too much to do to be on here much longer. I'm out and about re-acquainting myself with my favorite city.

Back again,
Angela

Dueces Cali.
CB#: 6362330964

But I Know What It's Like

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
-Breakfast At Tiffany's

Couldn't have said it better myself.
Again with the mixed feelings! I love being able to fit everything I own in a few suitcases. I hate that I once I started college I can't just feel settled in one place. I know I brought it upon myself by coming to California. To be fair, though, I didn't come thinking I'd get attached and not want to leave. I came for adventure that would feel like long term vacation and some kind of a break.

This was not a break away from life. This was real and this was life. I think that's what makes me sad.

I've had to say goodbye to multiple people already. People I'll probably never see again. A part of me is affected by it a lot and it's overwhelming. Another part of me, though, is taking this opportunity to learn to be more independent. Which is my word for training myself to not get attached to people. I'm just not so sure that's a good thing.



"You musn't give your heart to a wild thing",
Angela

Shaken, not stirred.

Mixed Feelings: A partly positive and partly negative reaction to something

"Mixed feelings" is the exact term to describe how I'm feeling. There is no word I can think of to describe the severity of it.

I hate LA. I can stand it as long as I'm with these people.

I love St. Charles. It hasn't been my home for 365 days a year for almost 2 years now.

I want to go home. I want to stay.

One day I love it here. The next I wanna jump on a plane.

I want to have a "best" friend here. I can't get attached, because I'm leaving.

I love the group I'm a part of. Is it just because I have no other options?

People are always doing things "for" me. Is it just because they want to show off?

I know it's okay to feel whatever I want. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to it. Somedays California feels perfect. I wake up to 70 degree weather and look out my window at palm trees. I'm 30 minutes away from the beach and I have no plans for a good month of my summer. Isn't this a college girl's dream? I thought it would be.

National Student Exchange is an opportunity to let someone experience another culture but stay in the country. That has for sure happened, and they prepared me for that in the brochure. Nobody prepared me for leaving. Nobody prepared me for this horrible gut-wrenching feeling I have every time I get happy about being here. Nobody told me, "You'll get attached and make good friends that you have to keep at a distance because you'll leave one day and they'll probably forget you." If someone had... I wonder if I'd be here.

Obviously California has been more than this emotional roller coaster I just described for you. California has been a lesson on racism, love, courtesy, friendship, patience, and most evident to me, humility. All things I wouldn't necessarily have learned if I had stayed home.

Home. Home is where the heart is. Wanna know the condition of my heart? One of my favorite movies is "Blow". It has Johnny Depp in it who plays the part of a drug dealer. It's a true story. At the end his character, George Jung, says,

"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become... I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive..."

I always like the part that says, "Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it." I'd think to myself "I don't want my life to pass me by. I'm going to do something amazing and follow through". As pathetic as it sounds, living in California for a semester was the adventure I was looking for, and more. I feel completely confident I made grand plans and did it.

Now I'm hearing this part, "I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive." I'd explain what that quote means to me now but I think you get it. Just pretend it's not a line in a movie, and I just told you that.

I have 10 days left of freedom before my internship (that includes a fast from technology). At this point I'm scraping to find some closure. Are people going to remember me when I leave? Who am I going to stay in touch with the most? Are people going to let me leave without telling me something they want to? Am I going to do the same? Did I do and see everything I wanted to? Did I listen to God's message for me of what this semester was supposed to offer?

I could go on with questions and "what ifs". What I'm most asking is, Did I do what I wanted to do? A lot of amazing people did a lot of amazing things for me. There is no doubt about that. I can't help but remember my few days spent in NorCal. The feeling I had there was irreplaceable. It meant so much to me I still get emotional thinking about it. (And that is saying a lot). Other than that trip, though, all I remember looking back is "Angela, you'll love this! You should do it!" Do these people know me? Do they know what I would love? Who took the time to ask me what I wanted to see? A few names come to mind. (And those people spoke volumes. More than they thought) Then again, most of those people left a bad after taste because I've learned it's Californian nature not to follow through.

While I'm touching on that subject, people keep telling me I'm judging Californians. Like hell I am! This is my impression of California. Of L.A. Of college kids 2,000 miles away. Either make it good or make it real. Is it not possible for you to do both? If you don't want me to think a certain way of you, don't act that way. When you do, I'm assuming that's natural. And I will judge the culture based on you. I'm not an idiot, I know there are exceptions. I'm also not writing judgements down in concrete. The point, though, is that my semester here is leaving me with an eternal impression of the people I lived with and area we were in. And they can't change that now.

10 days. That's nothing. I want to find a place like St. Charles and sit there all day. Yeah, St. Charles is flat and has corn and is a suburb. We have a lot of country music and nicer people and CFM slushies. I know I won't find it here. I just wish I could. Since Disney and Hollywood pretty much own California I figure if I wish it, that it better happen. After all, I'm paying to be here.

I'm not sure if this was coherent. It's late and I spent 2 days at amusement parks. However, I couldn't keep this in my head much longer. It's 5 months worth of experience. This is the longest post I have ever written. I usually save these types of posts and never publish them. I have barely any followers though and I'm sure my page-views were internet surfers viewing on accident. So I figured, what the heck, I'll let the world wide web read it.


Emotions mixed like a drink,
Angela

P.S. I promise, I have an even longer post worth of amazing positive experiences I had here. ;)

Mama tried

This is a comical statement, that if you knew the relationship between fictional Lorelai and mother Emily, is hilarious and true.
I'll cathcya up: Lorelai is pregnant at 16 then leaves home to work and raise her kid away from her uptight wealthy parents. She never graduated high school. Never went to college. However, she runs an inn on her own and is very successful. Even so, her mother will not let it go and constantly reminds her that she is essentially a failure because she did not succeed at Emily's view of life. But she is still pretty dang successful, not to mention has an amazing relationship with her daughter Rory.
I realize that a lot of people identify with this painfully but we just laugh at it like it only happens on tv. I'm sorry anyone has parents like that.. But can I just take a blog post to brag about mine?

I never really thought I'd ever want to, but I never met so many people who made them look like saints. Recently I've been getting reminded repeatedly of a few specific things that my parents kick ass at.
1. Encouraging me: Honestly I never felt that, because of my parents, I couldn't do anything. If I said I was going to learn a trick on the trampoline all by myself they didn't question it. I'd stay outside for hours until I did it and they were proud of me. I didn't think that was super unique or commendable. I figured everyones parents were like that. Guess not.
2. Letting me learn who I am: If I wasn't good at math, no big deal. If I said soccer wasn't my sport, I didn't have to play. If I said I'm never eating a hamburger 100x over they let it go. I had to finish the whole season of soccer and I had to eat at least 1 bite of anything I was skeptical of. I wasn't raised to be a spoiled brat. And I had to at least try at math and do my homework. I failed Algebra 2. But they didn't lecture or yell or ground me for it. They said "You'll take it again next year, you HAVE to at least pass, but you already have 2 years of math so you have enough credit to get into college." They noticed that I took nearly double the HS credit requirements in social studies. Now I'm majoring in Social Work. I'm pretty sure my parents saw that one coming and knew that stressing over a high school math course would only discourage me and send the message that I am stupid. So I continued on through HS and on to college and I do not regret anything. I'm never taking College Algebra because I don't need to but I work my butt off in my Social Work classes. That's what counts, because that's who I am.
3. Raising fearless kids: I meet a lot of kids whose parents are skeptical of mission trips, tell kids to go to college in-state, or never let them go on trips with friends. Out of the 4 daughters my parents had we've lived in Kansas, Chicago, Texas, Urugay, England, and California (collectively). They didn't make us leave because they don't like us, haha. And they didn't try to convince us to stay and baby us til we're 30. We made our decision without a bias and they encouraged it. If we thought we could go somewhere or do something, they were there to hear the pros and cons, drop their 2 cents in and encourage from there. I find that rather appropriate.

Disclaimer: My parents didn't ask me to make this. ;)

I've met a lot of new people since college. I've met even more in California. The more I grow up, the more I love my parents and the more I see why they did what they did. I really just had been dwelling on these thoughts for a while and it needed to be said. This just seemed a good place to put it.
I'm truly sorry anyone has a struggled relationship with their parents. I'm learning a lot of how it hurts you forever and deeper than people think. I'm just thankful I got 2 of the good ones. I am blessed. Blessed in order to be a blessing.

Congrats on 36 years Greg and Lori Carroll! I am beyong grateful you are my Mommy and Daddy :)

"Mama tried to raise me right..."
Angela

On the roof of my house in LA on a sunny day laying out, staring at a lemon tree and palm tree. :) yep. Its summer.
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Red Nails

The longer I am here the more I realize the resounding truth of the phrase "Less is more."

Spending time in Catalina is refreshing because the atmosphere is simple. Bored? Get active. Get to know your friends. Hungry? 3 meals a day. Want time alone? Just find a spot.

I took a trip up north to San Francisco. On the way up, however, I spent a night in Paso Robles which reminded me of Ben's farm. We were hosted by Hailey's dad who is quite possibly the most welcoming person I've met. He reminded me of my neighbor Bill, and if you knew him that'd be a high compliment.




Most of the weekend I also spent in Pleasanton. (Which is about an hour east of the bay area.) Pleasanton reminded me of St. Charles. Not like it was the same but it was at least not LA. And I got to spend the weekend with 2 really awesome friends and an exceptionally hospitable family. And ya know? We didn't do a whole lot. Don't get me wrong, seeing San Fran was amazing, and that day was packed full of fun sightseeing! But the rest of the time was normal. And I was craving normal.



After that trip was over, I just kept looking at my nails. One night my friend Hailey's mom took Hailey and I to get mani-pedi's and treated us to dinner at a nice restuarant in cute downtown Pleasanton. I keep thinking the only remedy for homesickness is MY home, but that was not the case. I had found a place in California that felt homey enough to me. It wasn't hard to think of something college girls will like, but it really means a lot when someone does it as a gift and with hospitality!



What stuck out the most was the ability Hailey and her parents had to make guests feel comfortable. Ya know how they did it? No? I don't either. Because it was nothing extraspectacularshowyfancyness. It was being kind, opening their home, eating some food, and doing relaxing things. It was the fact they treated me like a normal person. Ya know how a few people here treat me? Like a tourist. Like someone to entertain. The impact those few people here have on me is big and not good. So the impact the Ellingsen's had on me was bigger. And I can not stop thanking God for them!

Thank God for real people who can be real friends!



Northern Cal is truly the better Cal.
Angela

Ch Ch Changes

"And seek the peace of the city whither I have caused you to be carried away captives, and pray unto the LORD for it: for in the peace thereof shall ye have peace."
Jeremiah 29:7

I'm doing Los Angeles Urban Project this summer. An "urban project" of InterVarsity's where I will live and work in downtown Los Angeles, California. Never have I felt a desire for the urban poor of this world until now. So many different aspects of this trip excite and scare me. I cannot wait to go!

However, I'm still here at Cal State Northridge. I feel like time is flying by too fast. Probably.. because it is. I'm already more than half way through my time here. Being somewhere you know you aren't going to stay is a very unique feeling. There isn't a day I don't think about the fact I am HERE and not HOME. That may not seem like much but it's an odd feeling. One of the most frustrating feelings is that I can't get too attached to people, because I know I have to leave them. I've never been too much of a sentimental person or a dependent person. I usually have 1 good friend and that's enough. Now I have a huge group of people who have had so many chances to serve and love me, and it's bittersweet.

I prayed for a long time that God would change me while I'm here.

"And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.'"
Zechariah 13:9

I prayed for my roomates, the classes I'm in, the campus I'm on, and much more. I prayed that I would leave an impact even once I'm gone. God sure is changing me. He definitely put me in a place I never could have imagined. However, I did not expect it would be in this way.

One of the most prominant ways I've seen God teach me this year is in my dependence on the people around me. I have always been the one to pay for someone else, to be able to drive extra people, etc. I never feel inconvienced by people who need favors. Now that I'm here, though, I am the one who needs favors. It's one thing for God to teach you humility in offering your services. It's another to learn humility by actually needing service.

I've needed a ride to the emergency room. I needed a ride to the doctor. I needed a ride to the hospital for a procedure. I need rides to the store. I need a bike to run my own errands. I needed a place to sleep when my bed had bugs. I needed people to make color copies so I could send support letters. I needed almost $50 in stamps to mail it.

I have needed. I have accepted. I have been humbled. I am still learning. I am still being refined.

Just like David Bowie said,
"Time may change me but I can't trace time."

So I suppose I'm always changing. God has never left me stagnant. Change is just more noticeable and outward in this season of my life. Overall, I'm learning God is good all the time. When I feel inconvenient, when I am in need, when I am blessed to be a blessing, and when I cannot stop thanking him. I'm learning what true JOY is.

Rejoicing in troubles. Rejoicing in relief.

Joyfully,
Angela Grace

Sun, clouds, and palm trees. :)
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IKEA

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Anna, whenever you get your own place I'll find a huge canvas map. And map covered tables. And you'll eventually get more map notecards and post-its.

Don't forget to always have out the map-beachball I got you! And we can play Geography 20 questions ALL THE TIME NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE! AHh! :)

Short sleeves in February.

Out of 4 months here, 1 is already over :( I am not okay with that!
I have so many more California things to do.

[NOTICE! Important info for MO people... According to the residents of California the area I am living in is preferrably referred to as 'SoCal'. The San Francisco Bay Area ('Bay Area', for short) is referred to as 'NorCal'. The term 'Cali' is not well received and will make native Californians giggle at you, thus revealing your obvious 'foreigner' status. :)]




Thank goodness I've been to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles!


It's not code for something less bizarre. It's chicken. And waffles.


And I walked around downtown LA at night. It's like a whole other world.

And then I turned 20!

My Mommy sent me a package!


Kayla & Brendan surprised me with a cake!

And went out to dinner with my Bible Study group after I painted my birthday frog, while wearing my cupcake t-shirt, and got fed by Mexican waiters.

Definitely will always remember turning 20 in California,
Angela

She'd Be California...

So it just took a few more days to make me feel less homesick.

I participated in the California legend that is In-n-Out!
(Chick-fil-a and Steak-n-Shake still rule)


I got to spend the weekend at Oceanside and San Clemente seeing Ben :)
(And driving around in his red truck.. Usually that car isn't in use without slushies as well, but I guess I'll let it slide this time.)


Intervarsity people went linedancing and I got to go! Oh my gosh this place is amazing! Not to mention the people I get to hang with! Not only do they play country music nearly the entire time, we get to linedance. Just like WIL and just like Bear Trap. I loved it..


I went to my first, and probably only, CSUN basketball game!


Then last sunday after church we got to go on top this mountain and stargaze! But it was actually WAY cooler to see the San Fernando Valley from way up there. I went with fun people...


And I saw these pretty lights...



Well that's all for meow! This weekend has amazing potential as well.
Tonight I'm going to Roscoe's House of Chick and Waffles. Yes, you read correctly. House of Chicken and Waffles. Their specialty is fried chicken and waffles. I mean, y'all thought I was crazy for liking Waffle House right? It's about to get a whole lot more sketch. Bring it on.

Then tomorrow Ben is coming up here to get me and see CSUN and then we're off back to Camp Pendleton to hang :) Just so happens to be Valentine's Day on Monday and my birthday on Tuesday which just makes things so much better!

LA rocks,
Angela

"Made up my mind to make a new start...

Adventure or Homesick? I still can't decide!

Friday, January 21, 2011 I flew out of the 2 degree St. Charles, Missouri (I was probably complaining about) and over to the 70 degree Northridge, California.

68 more degrees and even more surprises.

The baggage claim is located outdoors. Why? It's not a risk for the state that always has sunshine!
We get in our rental care that has 0 country music stations. Why? Well, I'm not entirely sure about that... I think Cali is a bit crazy.
We drive past palm trees and beautiful houses. We get to a campus that looks EXACTLY like the pictures.
Yeah, there is a pool on campus. Multiple pools infact.

Don't forget we're in California. Yes, people do walk their miniature dogs on leashes, or carry them in bags, indoors.
Yes, I am the palest person to reside in the state of California.


These trees are located outside my library.


This beach is 30 mintues away from campus.


But this heart is left in Missouri. (Cheesy award goes to me)

The dorm has beach chairs on the balcony. (I think it's a requirement of living in Cali that I get at least 10 shades darker.) It is sunny from the minute I wake up to when I go to bed. (Okay its 'winter' here -only according to the calendar- so the sun goes down a bit earlier but oh well). And there are a lot of beautiful mountain scenes anywhere I go...


See? Mountains. Not row crops. (But I'm really missing the cornfields and vineyards MO is full of.)

Well for the first 48 hours Dad and I spent it gawking at the scenery and soaking up the sun.
The next 48 hours? I was ready to go back. Nice vaction but I'm done.

Now that it's almost been a week, I'm starting to remember why I wanted to do this in the first place.

I wanted to study abroad. Live in and experience a different culture. 'Abroad' soon became New York City and NYC became L.A. That turned into Northridge, CA. But I can say undoubtedly, I am living and experiencing an entirely different culture!

This post would be endless if I described the differences between here and home.
Out of all the 4 cities I've been to in California, Northridge has not won me over. San Clemente is winning. Santa Monica came close. Los Angeles was dirty. And Northridge, to me, means school.

Culture shock, jetlag, altitude adjustment, beginning of another semester, and climate change? Yeah. It's a bit much. And I wasn't expecting ANY negative reaction or the tiniest bit of homesickness.

Tomorrow equals week 1. Amazing. Hectic. Brand new.




...goin to California with an achin in my heart"
Angela

Winter Camp 2011

I realize it is a bit late.

2 weekends ago I went to Wisconsin and led a group of 7th grade girls!

So we've all heard something like "I hope you learned as much from me as I did from you". Well, it surprised me again to realize that you can learn a lot in any situation when you pause long enough to let the good Lord teach.

Last summer I led some 7th graders at Summer Camp. (Even saying "I led" feels out of place because until this past year I've never thought of myself as old enough or experienced enough to lead.) And I did it again for Winter Camp!

Also, working with other women who share a love for Junior or Senior High girls is a fun experience too!

Little by little I feel like I'm growing up and when I'm not expecting it I am learning a whole lot.


7th Grade Ladies


8th Grade Ladies I got to share a cabin with :)

Beautiful snow everywhere, and tons of hot chocolate and tea. Its like winter is even more perfect in Wisconsin. Don't worry, St. Charles, I still love you the most. :)

Pause,
Angela