But I Know What It's Like

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
-Breakfast At Tiffany's

Couldn't have said it better myself.
Again with the mixed feelings! I love being able to fit everything I own in a few suitcases. I hate that I once I started college I can't just feel settled in one place. I know I brought it upon myself by coming to California. To be fair, though, I didn't come thinking I'd get attached and not want to leave. I came for adventure that would feel like long term vacation and some kind of a break.

This was not a break away from life. This was real and this was life. I think that's what makes me sad.

I've had to say goodbye to multiple people already. People I'll probably never see again. A part of me is affected by it a lot and it's overwhelming. Another part of me, though, is taking this opportunity to learn to be more independent. Which is my word for training myself to not get attached to people. I'm just not so sure that's a good thing.



"You musn't give your heart to a wild thing",
Angela

Shaken, not stirred.

Mixed Feelings: A partly positive and partly negative reaction to something

"Mixed feelings" is the exact term to describe how I'm feeling. There is no word I can think of to describe the severity of it.

I hate LA. I can stand it as long as I'm with these people.

I love St. Charles. It hasn't been my home for 365 days a year for almost 2 years now.

I want to go home. I want to stay.

One day I love it here. The next I wanna jump on a plane.

I want to have a "best" friend here. I can't get attached, because I'm leaving.

I love the group I'm a part of. Is it just because I have no other options?

People are always doing things "for" me. Is it just because they want to show off?

I know it's okay to feel whatever I want. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to it. Somedays California feels perfect. I wake up to 70 degree weather and look out my window at palm trees. I'm 30 minutes away from the beach and I have no plans for a good month of my summer. Isn't this a college girl's dream? I thought it would be.

National Student Exchange is an opportunity to let someone experience another culture but stay in the country. That has for sure happened, and they prepared me for that in the brochure. Nobody prepared me for leaving. Nobody prepared me for this horrible gut-wrenching feeling I have every time I get happy about being here. Nobody told me, "You'll get attached and make good friends that you have to keep at a distance because you'll leave one day and they'll probably forget you." If someone had... I wonder if I'd be here.

Obviously California has been more than this emotional roller coaster I just described for you. California has been a lesson on racism, love, courtesy, friendship, patience, and most evident to me, humility. All things I wouldn't necessarily have learned if I had stayed home.

Home. Home is where the heart is. Wanna know the condition of my heart? One of my favorite movies is "Blow". It has Johnny Depp in it who plays the part of a drug dealer. It's a true story. At the end his character, George Jung, says,

"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become... I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive..."

I always like the part that says, "Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it." I'd think to myself "I don't want my life to pass me by. I'm going to do something amazing and follow through". As pathetic as it sounds, living in California for a semester was the adventure I was looking for, and more. I feel completely confident I made grand plans and did it.

Now I'm hearing this part, "I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive." I'd explain what that quote means to me now but I think you get it. Just pretend it's not a line in a movie, and I just told you that.

I have 10 days left of freedom before my internship (that includes a fast from technology). At this point I'm scraping to find some closure. Are people going to remember me when I leave? Who am I going to stay in touch with the most? Are people going to let me leave without telling me something they want to? Am I going to do the same? Did I do and see everything I wanted to? Did I listen to God's message for me of what this semester was supposed to offer?

I could go on with questions and "what ifs". What I'm most asking is, Did I do what I wanted to do? A lot of amazing people did a lot of amazing things for me. There is no doubt about that. I can't help but remember my few days spent in NorCal. The feeling I had there was irreplaceable. It meant so much to me I still get emotional thinking about it. (And that is saying a lot). Other than that trip, though, all I remember looking back is "Angela, you'll love this! You should do it!" Do these people know me? Do they know what I would love? Who took the time to ask me what I wanted to see? A few names come to mind. (And those people spoke volumes. More than they thought) Then again, most of those people left a bad after taste because I've learned it's Californian nature not to follow through.

While I'm touching on that subject, people keep telling me I'm judging Californians. Like hell I am! This is my impression of California. Of L.A. Of college kids 2,000 miles away. Either make it good or make it real. Is it not possible for you to do both? If you don't want me to think a certain way of you, don't act that way. When you do, I'm assuming that's natural. And I will judge the culture based on you. I'm not an idiot, I know there are exceptions. I'm also not writing judgements down in concrete. The point, though, is that my semester here is leaving me with an eternal impression of the people I lived with and area we were in. And they can't change that now.

10 days. That's nothing. I want to find a place like St. Charles and sit there all day. Yeah, St. Charles is flat and has corn and is a suburb. We have a lot of country music and nicer people and CFM slushies. I know I won't find it here. I just wish I could. Since Disney and Hollywood pretty much own California I figure if I wish it, that it better happen. After all, I'm paying to be here.

I'm not sure if this was coherent. It's late and I spent 2 days at amusement parks. However, I couldn't keep this in my head much longer. It's 5 months worth of experience. This is the longest post I have ever written. I usually save these types of posts and never publish them. I have barely any followers though and I'm sure my page-views were internet surfers viewing on accident. So I figured, what the heck, I'll let the world wide web read it.


Emotions mixed like a drink,
Angela

P.S. I promise, I have an even longer post worth of amazing positive experiences I had here. ;)

Mama tried

This is a comical statement, that if you knew the relationship between fictional Lorelai and mother Emily, is hilarious and true.
I'll cathcya up: Lorelai is pregnant at 16 then leaves home to work and raise her kid away from her uptight wealthy parents. She never graduated high school. Never went to college. However, she runs an inn on her own and is very successful. Even so, her mother will not let it go and constantly reminds her that she is essentially a failure because she did not succeed at Emily's view of life. But she is still pretty dang successful, not to mention has an amazing relationship with her daughter Rory.
I realize that a lot of people identify with this painfully but we just laugh at it like it only happens on tv. I'm sorry anyone has parents like that.. But can I just take a blog post to brag about mine?

I never really thought I'd ever want to, but I never met so many people who made them look like saints. Recently I've been getting reminded repeatedly of a few specific things that my parents kick ass at.
1. Encouraging me: Honestly I never felt that, because of my parents, I couldn't do anything. If I said I was going to learn a trick on the trampoline all by myself they didn't question it. I'd stay outside for hours until I did it and they were proud of me. I didn't think that was super unique or commendable. I figured everyones parents were like that. Guess not.
2. Letting me learn who I am: If I wasn't good at math, no big deal. If I said soccer wasn't my sport, I didn't have to play. If I said I'm never eating a hamburger 100x over they let it go. I had to finish the whole season of soccer and I had to eat at least 1 bite of anything I was skeptical of. I wasn't raised to be a spoiled brat. And I had to at least try at math and do my homework. I failed Algebra 2. But they didn't lecture or yell or ground me for it. They said "You'll take it again next year, you HAVE to at least pass, but you already have 2 years of math so you have enough credit to get into college." They noticed that I took nearly double the HS credit requirements in social studies. Now I'm majoring in Social Work. I'm pretty sure my parents saw that one coming and knew that stressing over a high school math course would only discourage me and send the message that I am stupid. So I continued on through HS and on to college and I do not regret anything. I'm never taking College Algebra because I don't need to but I work my butt off in my Social Work classes. That's what counts, because that's who I am.
3. Raising fearless kids: I meet a lot of kids whose parents are skeptical of mission trips, tell kids to go to college in-state, or never let them go on trips with friends. Out of the 4 daughters my parents had we've lived in Kansas, Chicago, Texas, Urugay, England, and California (collectively). They didn't make us leave because they don't like us, haha. And they didn't try to convince us to stay and baby us til we're 30. We made our decision without a bias and they encouraged it. If we thought we could go somewhere or do something, they were there to hear the pros and cons, drop their 2 cents in and encourage from there. I find that rather appropriate.

Disclaimer: My parents didn't ask me to make this. ;)

I've met a lot of new people since college. I've met even more in California. The more I grow up, the more I love my parents and the more I see why they did what they did. I really just had been dwelling on these thoughts for a while and it needed to be said. This just seemed a good place to put it.
I'm truly sorry anyone has a struggled relationship with their parents. I'm learning a lot of how it hurts you forever and deeper than people think. I'm just thankful I got 2 of the good ones. I am blessed. Blessed in order to be a blessing.

Congrats on 36 years Greg and Lori Carroll! I am beyong grateful you are my Mommy and Daddy :)

"Mama tried to raise me right..."
Angela

On the roof of my house in LA on a sunny day laying out, staring at a lemon tree and palm tree. :) yep. Its summer.
CB#: 6362330964